' ...you've given up on helping yourself. ' Words that have Haunted me for a long time and now they've finally returned. They've come back to keep me awake one more night. One more night of Breaking a Promise.. I am truly sorry for that, and I expect a scolding. I am truly sorry for everything. Anything I've ever done to cause anyone pain.. I am now apologizing for it. This.. this applies more to some, than others, and you all know who you are. But as I sit hear, forced to ponder this phrase, I am thinking about a lot of things I've been avoiding a lot. The main thing going through my head, as the soft music of Utada Hikaru plays in the background is ' Have I really? '. For the longest of time.. since I was first told this, I didn't believe it. I brushed it aside as that person's opinion, and not the truth. But it's always come back, and now I've heard it from so many. Maybe I have. Maybe I've given up on trying to help myself.. and become so completely reliant on others. One other, mainly. So much to the point that it scares her. So much to the point that she is afraid to do anything, for I'll become angry, jealous, or just unhappy. Have I become -that- pathetic? Having no one my entire life, and then quickly having a large amount of people surrounding you is over-whelming. I never expected it. Having to guide myself for most of my life, I'd become so very independent. But, I knew my independence was my fault, for any direction I guided myself, was either a dead-end, or a cliff that caused me to fall deeper into my shell. My mask. This is how it was, my entire life, until I met one. One who had such an impact on my life that it shook down my barrier to an extent, and even though it was immediately built back up, she still managed to shake it, which was more than anyone had ever even attempted. How did I repay her though? I pushed her away.. and damaged her severely. This, in my eyes is the worst thing I had ever managed to do, my entire life. There's nothing I can do to make up for it.. but I plan to start trying. But, ever since she impacted my life, created that crack in my mask, people kept coming. First him, then everyone else. After such a large amount of people who cared appeared. I began taking their Guidance. For I knew mine was faulty. Regardless of where I led myself, it only brought on more pain. So I began to rely on their advice, and theirs alone. That.. that must've been what led to this pathetic, empty shell of a Human Being I've become. For I know that relying on other people alone only leads to pure and utter co-dependency. I rely way too much on others for support, advice, and guidance. But does that really mean that I've given up on myself. I s'pose I -am- truly like him straight in the end. By him, I mean Shinji. For those of you who've seen Evangelion you know exactly what I mean. For those who haven't, I'll try to elaborate some other time.. maybe tomorrow. I need to watch End again to truly explain it. Sorry, if you were wanting to know. One thing about Shinji that I can explain is the ' Hedgehog's Dilemma '. This is something that's proved true for me so often. The closer the Hedgehog gets to something, it only causes it pain because of its spines. And it has always seemed like the closer I've ever gotten to anyone, I've only hurt them. This is something that I've realized a long while ago. Even though I may give those people good memories, and we may have good times, there is still always that constant pain that I cause them, and in turn, cause myself. I know there are people willing to cause themselves pain for the sake of being with me, and sharing these memories, but is it impossible for me to change, to eliminate this constant pain, and make it more pleasurable for both sides? I don't know if it is. I don't know if I can, or how I can.. I know that one way to get rid of that pain, is to push myself away, and eliminate the relationships altogether. But that's not the answer, and it never will be. A quote from Evangelion explains that. ' If you don't get close to others, you won't be betrayed, and you won't hurt each other. However, neither will you forget what loneliness is. Man can never make loneliness disappear because man is alone, but man can forget. So man can find the will to live. ' This is true down to the last word. I've experienced loneliness, and I never want to again. I am deathly afraid of it, in fact. I found out, one night after a fight with someone that ended really rather poorly, that one of my biggest Phobias is Athazagoraphobia. The fear of being alone. I found myself laying in bed crying, and saying to myself ' Please don't leave me. Please don't hate me. ' And so.. I've proved myself once again to be exactly like Shinji. I've also experienced Betrayal. I know what it's like to have someone you hold so true and dear to your heart turn around and stab you in the back. I've experienced it many times now. One, very, very recently. There is one other who knows how it feels, and this other hasn't been there for me, when I needed her most. If you took what she felt, and multiplied it by ten, then you would know the pain I've felt. For, in my cause, it was my brother. I grew up Idolizing him, and then he went and betrayed me, four times now. And, I am in no means downplaying the pain she felt, and I hope that no one takes it that way at all. That is not my intent. I know in her eyes, maybe the pain she felt was worse.. but that's all perspective. The reason she wasn't there, however, was because of what I've become. And, in a way I rejected her. Again.. just like Shinji. There's something I've recently realized, though. One major difference between him and I. In the end, Shinji finds happiness. This is something I've yet to do.. and maybe, that's what I've condemned myself to by becoming what I have. But there has been a question going through my mind so much. ' Can I go back? ' I'm not sure if I can. She doesn't know if I can. But even if I could.. -How?-
All these things are ringing through my head, and I can do nothing to stop them, for I have no answers. I don't know how I can do this. I don't know how I can go back, and make things the way they were. I desperately want to.. but I can't figure out how. I don't want things to stay like this. All it's doing is pulling everyone down into the darkness with me. I've scared some, and shunned others. I've pushed some away.. and pulled others so close that they want nothing to do with me. But, in the end, everyone is still here. -That- is what perplexes me. Why have these people stayed by my side this entire time, even after I've caused them all so much pain. Are the memories we share truly that strong to keep them all there. I know, that from my view every memory I have with these people is worth all the pain in the world, but… is it the same for them? I know some, who've always stood a distance from me, and tried to help. These people have never let me harm them, not as much, for they've stood a little bit farther than everyone else. But they always assisted me. It was one of those people that shook my foundation this morning, and began all of this. I'm not sure whether to thank her, or to spite her.. for it was her that began this entire stage of Self-Examination. In the end, I know I'll thank her, for everything may turn out for the better.
I.. I am very wary to write what the next thing is on my mind, for it would prove everything I wrote here.. and prove how pathetic I am. But I shall write it anyway, for I feel it may be the only way to locate answers. I ask you all, one last time, for your guidance. I know none of you can actually know where it is I have to go for this, but I still need help. And I know saying that has only proven my co-dependency, but I need help with this. I.. I promise that I will not rely on your opinions alone. I, I will begin to pick myself up, if I can. And.. through this phase, I ask you all to hold tight, for it could get rather bumpy. I don't know what will end up happening. There are several things I could do. I.. I only hope no one takes anything personally. I may shut everyone out, and go completely on my own for a while. I'm not sure. Just.. I want everyone to try to hang on, and bear with me.
I've exhausted myself, for now. If I have truly given up on helping myself.. I am still left with so many questions. These questions I do not know how to answer. Whether someone helps me, or I truly am left all alone, Please bear with me.
I am going to lay down now, get maybe a little rest..... for I know I won't sleep. I have a large amount of work and things to do tomorrow. Good Night.
One thing to say, that post I had planned to write today, has been Post-poned. Not that anyone really cares.. but I figured I'd just warn you all. -Anyway-... I just, got distracted, that's all. So until I get around to writing it, Take Care!
Long time, no post. My poor Blog has been neglected, so I decided to update. It's Valentine's Day, well there's four minutes left of it, anyway. Today.. wasn't spectacular. In fact, it wasn't even close. It always seems to be that instead of being Friday the 13th that I have bad luck on, it's always Saturday the 14th. Since about Wednesday I've felt awful physically. Today, it was worse. Much worse. I've had a pounding headache all day, I'm sore, and just plain exhausted. I don't know what's come over me, but I don't like it. Yesterday seemed to break the pattern. Yesterday was an extraordinarily bad day. First off, I felt absolutely terrible all day, and by lunch I could barely support my own weight. Of course, I let only half of this show, so no one would worry too much. All day all anyone really said was ' Go home! '.. But going home was exactly what I didn't want to do. I knew that if I went home I'd feel exactly the same, and I would rather feel terrible with those that care, than at home. But no, no one wanted to accept that, and everyone kept arguing for me to go home.. So I ended up doing so. Got a drive home at lunch, and spent the afternoon, lying alone in pain. I did however drag myself to the computer to talk to Aly when she got home, or in fact, almost an hour later. I just wanted to tell her that I was going to be fine, and just say hi. That isn't what I happened. I was only met be cold, harsh words, and a snappy attitude that instantly brought me to tears. She only talked for about 10 - 15 minutes, but in that time she managed to drag my slightly increasing mood -way- down. I had then found out that by going home at lunch, I missed my report card, the one I so desperately wanted to see. I -also- realized I didn't sign out of school, so they counted me as skipping for my two afternoon classes. Aly had left in an extremely cold rush.. Desperate to escape, but she did leave behind the words ' I'll be on after Mom gets home to do a Blog post on what's going to happen to my restrictions. ' So I decided I was going to sit there and wait. I wanted to just see if I could make things better. More for me than her, I s'pose. I waited and waited until about 7 20 rolled around she had messaged me, asking for my forgiveness, and say that she was in the same mood, so to continue the conversation at my own risk. I was later met with the words, ' I had very little intention of coming online..and when I did..I wasn't going to talk to you. '. I learned it was apparently Eva that had talked her into talking with me. What a comforting thought. After spending the entire afternoon crying and being a wreck, she comes online saying she wasn't even going to come back, and if she did she would have avoided me. The one person I sat there, and sacrificed 3 hours of rest for says that. It... really didn't help. The conversation only get worse, and I ended up crying more and it got me a head ache that will most likely last a couple of days. I was plunged into the shock of what I was avoiding. How pathetic a person I've become. It's funny, the way that's worded. ' Shock ' is a cleaner stuff for our pool. 95% pure Chlorine. It's so strong it can burn right through you skin almost instantly. It's also explosive if water mingles with it. I thought about that, and it seemed the term fitted. Anyway. I.. learned I s'pose, her true opinion of me. What she thinks of what I do, and how I am. Crushing thoughts they are, to hear from someone so important in your life. Almost as crushing as those three words I've heard said by another. Whether she was just saying those things because she was in a bad mood, or what.. it doesn't matter. I was told once, that something someone says in a bad mood is most likely what they truly think. That case doesn't apply with me but I believe it with her. And.. I'm going to stick to it. Today Josh had come over.. and I didn't get to talk to her much. I don't know if that was good or bad, but I do know is that she was willing to do something this weekend, which has become a really rare occurrence. But not with me. I can accept that. I can live with it. But I don't like it. It'll be another while before she is willing to again. Another while I'll have to wait. I s'pose now that her Restrictions are lifted.. she may be able to talk on the phone more.. but I doubt she will. Apparently she got a phone card, so she's going to spend a lot of time on the phone with others. I can deal with it. I've not been on the phone with her for a while now, so.. eh. Not too big a change I s'pose. Mnn... I s'pose that's enough ranting.. for now anyway.
Anyway. It's now getting later, and I need to be up to do a crap load of chores tomorrow to go towards my GameBoy Advance SP. One I so desperately want now that I own Crystal Chronicles. There will be a really long post here, again tomorrow. One I've been planning for a while. I'm going to make sure I do it tomorrow.. and maybe it'll straighten something's out, in my mind, and in the minds of others.
To all those out there who gave me their Kind words and support, I thank you, so much. You people don't know how much it means to me, deep down. And whether I show little appreciation at all on the surface.. it truly is extremely comforting to hear them. I just.. want you all to know that. I want you all to hear my Thanks.