Time. Time is the only constant in my life. No matter how you feel, no matter how shattered things become time flows on, and never ceases. If only I had the ability to move up and down this river of time, to change the present, past and future. That thought as been on my mind a lot recently, maybe it is just becuase of my recent obsession of Ocarina of Time... Hee, meh Pretteh Linkeh-sama!..Erm...Ahem. Anyway. It just seems that recently things have been constantly reminding of these thoughts. Even today, on the Bus with Aleh-sama. She started babbling about her class trips all through her years at Gulf Shore, and it brought me back to the fact that if only I had gone there, I may have had a better past six years of my life. But, then it leads to the thought that, maybe if I knew her that long, would I be nearly as close friends with her. And then maybe, it could be worse. Maybe wanting to go into the past to fix some idiotic mistakes, that if only we could all take a step back and look at how silleh all this is compared to the rest of our lives. And on how we should all stop worrying over something as silleh as these problems. More wise words and advice from Aleh. ^-^;;
Mnn...I need to go off and sleep. I know I won't though. I'm not sure how much more of my body can take, before it just breaks down, and leaves me immobilized for a few days. But at least if that happens, I may get some sleep, ne? Well, I better be off then, ne?
As life goes on...it repeats. Over and over again, those around me and I are in a forever spinning cycle, and yet...new stages are constantly being added. Me...Finally working towards happiness, was very new...and I was happy. But, it seems, anytime happiness is achieved, I do something...something so ridiculously stupid, and I get stripped of that happiness. But I have now learned that I -do- have the will power to drag myself back up. Of course, I don't find this power for me, no. It's for them, for those around me. Especially Aleh, who has been dragged into the darkness because of us, and is so willing to help us. She will plunged herself further and further into it, until we can finally pull ourselves out. But, no matter how far I fall, no matter how broken become, I will always get back up, and help her pull us out of this. One of the only things I seek right now would be the forgiveness of my stupidity. The forgiveness of me doing this...yet again. And strangely, I seem to have new hope. I have hope enough that I can actually help her, and help those around me. I am proud that I have such accepting friends, who actually see me as a good, and caring person...Even though I may sometimes do things that will contridict that...
Aleh put this in her Blog; ' Why do we all run?..Why can't we turn and say, simply. "This is what is wrong. This is how I want you to help." and leave it at that?...All these games are just complicating things...Only causing everyone more misery. ' And, she's right. I know she is. I've always considered her a very wise person, and someone who can always be there. But...today, I pushed her aside, for my fear of actually being seen. And, I -did- run...and it was a mistake. Here, this be my favourite scence from something very dear to me that has helped me a lot.
' I musn't run away! '
' Why musn't you run away? '
' Because escaping from reality can be painful! '
' Even though you're escaping from something more painful? '
' I can't bear it. '
' As long as you know what the pain is, it can be endured.'
' This is correct, and if the pain is too harsh, you can escape it. '
' If you really hate it, you can still run '
' No, I won't. I'm tired of running away! '
' That's becuase you're aware that running only brings you more pain. '
' That's because running can be far worse... '
And this is true. And I believe most of us are still running, I know I am, but I am trying as hard as I possibly can to stop. To stop being a coward, and to face my problems as the come. Meag-chan actually helped today, with a quote. ' Courage is being afraid, but doing it anyway. ' And I am finally beginning to realize that I -do- have the strength to stand up and face my problems. And even if I fall again there are so many people around me who're willing to help me, that I will be able to get back up and I'll be able to help them in return. I think, I may have actually gained some common sense, and realized, I am not that terrible a person...I am -me-...